Feelings

It’s almost 6 o’clock on a shivery dark Friday evening, but I’m getting a few hours break from most of the crises piling up, like a stone wall I can’t climb over. Right now, I’m can lean back in its shelter and try to get my breath back. Try to breathe evenly, to feel the stony weight leave my shoulders for a while.

I’ve been firefighting without a real break for 2 1/2 months, and its taken a toll. Things are slipping, things haven’t been done, people forgotten, time has rushed by, and also dragged, as little progress has been made in so many areas. So many things are still the same. And I’m so so tired.

I was called to a meeting about me last week. I thought I was going to be admonished, perhaps for not being a stricter mother. Instead it was supposed to give me support and a space to talk about my feelings. But I couldn’t think what to say. I think my feelings are buried very very deep at this stage, and even I can’t remember where. Mostly I just feel numb. It gets me through. Any other feelings just get in the way of functioning. Especially the angry ones! Therefore they are not useful and get stomped on as quickly as I can manage.

Except now?

I’m going to have to get back to the chores in a minute, but I’ve realized I am feeling something right now. I’m feeling lighter. And that has to be good, right?

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9 thoughts on “Feelings

  1. You are an amazing mum! Amazing how that therapy/support meeting worked – one session and you feel lighter. Maybe there is something in it after all. I’m like you usually, don’t let feelings interfere with getting on with it. Wishing you continued lightness of being ( it’s supposed to be incredible 😉 ).

    Liked by 1 person

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