2018 ended with the very sad news of the death of a wonderful woman and former work colleague with whom I’d reconnected on Twitter in recent months. That made it extra hard to feel any sense of celebration about a new year.
January 1st began at 3am as usual with the now nightly clean up due to the issues affecting one of the members of this household, then the morning started with a beautiful new year smile from my disabled daughter B. It should have been enough to put me in a good mood. But it wasn’t.
This will be a milestone year : my youngest turns 18 in April and I will then be the mother of adults. But no prospect of an empty nest or a chance to live my own life.
Instead my parenting duties seem more intense and overwhelming than ever. I feel so trapped by it all, and crushed by the knowledge that I’m the only one who can engineer an escape plan that ensures a better future for all of us.
Yet I felt bad about feeling bad at the start of a new year that many will not see.
So I did what I have to do most days, and chose an activity to boost my mental and physical energy and endurance to do all that has to be done.
Today’s choice was another parkrun with B, with a more civilised starting time of 11am.
In the afternoon B and I actually stayed in the house: we put together my first playlist since 2015, and I may as well continue my blogging tradition of sharing the songs, though free wordpress won’t let me embed the videos:
We are scientists – after hours
Ash – Annabel
Green Day – good riddance
Bastille – Pompeii
John Newman – love me again
Heathers – November
Oasis – the importance of being idle –
Super furry animals – golden retriever
The stoat – try not to think about it
Carter USM – the only boy
Then we made a non alcoholic tiramisu to use up more of the left over naughty food in the fridge, and after dinner B ‘supervised’ me doing the laundry and putting the bins out followed by one last video before bedtime.
Between her bedtime and 3am I got some free time for Netflix, some sleep time and some worrying time about how much longer I can keep going.
But at least this New Year’s Day I did more than just chores and supermarket shopping trips.
There’s more to life than cleaning showers was what I used to mutter under my breath when the student flat cleaning rota was being given out. And I guess I still feel the same today.
As for 2019? It’s going to be a bumpy rollercoaster ride of a year, but as my new necklace says
Do no harm and take no shit
Words to live by for the months ahead!
How was your New Year’s Day?