This phrase popped into my head today. I sometimes feel so detached from everything that it’s like I’m confused and hopeless in the dark, and separated from the real world by a giant pane of frosted glass.
This is all about the difficulties I don’t write about on here. Occasionally I do write about them elsewhere. Anonymously of course.
But it’s worth mentioning on here because it’s why you may not hear from me for a while. It’s why I’m not taking so many risks. It’s why I say no all the time, or change plans. It’s why I’m still losing weight, because eating has become another chore too many. It’s why I’ve less patience than ever. It’s why when I’m trying to stay calm, I often look angry. It’s why I feel empty. It’s why the tears are dry.
I’m doing the things that work, in the places where I feel safe, with people who understand, the parkruns, my running group, my Zumba class, my daughter’s social groups, meet ups for coffee. My lovely eldest daughter provides normality and support, and I love to see B happy, she brings me joy and lights up the dark days.
But they’re still there, with no end in sight, just long long waiting lists and a system that doesn’t care.